A letter to my therapist…
I’m not entirely sure I would want to tell you this since we won’t be having a session for another 2 weeks, but I just need to process some things and I’m spiraling. After our session this week, it made me feel even more confused about my own experiences once I have said everything out loud. Saying everything out loud made me feel like I really am crazy. Because if what my ex did to me was so bad, then why did all of my closest friends abandon me? I keep thinking, “Okay, maybe I am the crazy one? Did I do something wrong? Was everything my fault? Did I provoke him somehow? Am I just playing the victim card this whole time? Because if I didn’t, what did I do to deserve all of this? Was I the abusive one this whole time? Was I really just doing what my ex told me I did, which was putting a “bad guy filter” on him so that I would not have to take responsibilities for how I made him do what he did? How is it that almost every person I trusted enough to ask for help from somehow ended up leaving me? Or made matters worse? If that is the case, should I really reevaluate that maybe I am actually the problem? Because how does this many people in my life failed me?”
I truly believe in my heart that everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt because I know what it feels like to be misunderstood and not believed. I spent years justifying what people did to me by trying to understand what they were going through. I understand what it feels like to lose a whole community. I understand what it feels like to not have my side of the story heard. I understand what it feels like to not be believed. How can I blame people for wanting a sense of belonging? I long for that too. I lost my whole support system to the person who emotionally and sexually abused me. His side of the story was believed and mine was discarded. It messed me up. It made me question my reality and what I went through. And to have everyone I trusted choose to stay by his side invalidated and shattered my whole world. It further proved to me that maybe I did do something wrong and I deserve to feel this way.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense. I think I can hold out until our next session, but I just really need to get this off my chest and journal it somewhere (I will challenge myself to reach out if I need an emergency session haha). Thank you for listening and being the first person to believe me. Thank you for being patient and understanding. You have no idea the impact you have on my life. See you in 2 weeks!
-With love,
Winnie
